People have told me about having clear boundaries. So I put up walls to protect myself from unwanted advances or any perceived threats to my well-being. That resulted in comments about me being unapproachable. I felt confused about the suggestions that I have clear boundaries and yet not be so defensive.
During my Somatic Experiencing on Wednesday I started to get a new sense of what was meant with "clear boundaries." I'll start by describing the process Rose took me through.
The Process
In today's session we focused on how I knew when Rose had approached too closely to me. Rose started on the other side of the room and walked toward me. I was to indicate when she came closer than was comfortable. I noticed that I held my breath, my shoulders and abdomen became tight.
Next she had me indicate to her to stop when she got too close. I was able to do that and not get tense, but what happened in me to allow me to do that? Again, I had to pay attention to my body. I could tell that after I said "stop" that I stood tall and felt strong (in my power).
What had happened at the moment I said "stop?" I recognized that there was energy from my legs going into my torso to support me. It was as though before my legs and body had been disconnected.
The feeling of being fully in my body was also in contrast to feeling a narrow column of "self" in the core of my body but not extending to the perimeter. Once I was in my power I felt like I occupied my body to its edges.
The Redefinition
In the exercise where Rose approached me from across the room, I noticed that I was focused on anticipating her movements. In some sense I was outside my body trying to be inside her so that I could know what she would do. When I put up my hand and said "stop" I came inside my own body and felt my physical edges. That felt empowering to me. I am coming to have a sense that the term "clear boundaries" may mean staying inside my own physical body rather than going outside trying to anticipate what others are trying to do.
When I go into the anticipation mode I anticipate the worst. I expect that the other person is trying to hurt me or make me uncomfortable or expose my errors. This has been unconscious, in that I only felt discomfort and I wanted to get away from that discomfort. What the exercise did for me was bring into my awareness what I was doing versus what I could do. It gave me a choice, and with that choice it has given me some consciousness about what I do to myself.
After Wednesday's session I began to notice that I allow situations and inanimate objects to have the same impact on me as people. For example, I get uncomfortable when I start to run low on toilet paper (4 or 5 rolls left). The discomfort is as though the toilet paper could run out all of a sudden and therefore "hurt" me.
To get back into my power is not a matter of thinking things through logically. Often that only results in me feeling worse. Rather I am learning to pay attention to what I am doing energetically, and having the sensations in my body help me return to feeling my balance. This is a new approach for me: allowing my body to guide me toward balance and self-empowerment, rather than reasoning my way there. I like how it feels and I want to practice it so that I am in my power (clear boundaries) more and more of the time.
